Love Story Part Two, Rocking the Boat

I didn’t expect to have the career path I’ve had. I thought I would be a traditional research academic, to be honest. I love research and the work we did in my lab. But along the way I started to see beyond the glamour and realize that the academic life is far from perfect. Too many of us experience discrimination, marginalization, overwork, or simply neglect. Higher ed’s systems and processes were designed for institutions that were smaller and far more homogeneous. When higher education expanded — first with the GI Bill and then again in the late 1970’s and into the 80’s — we experienced a decline in shared governance and a rise in neoliberalism. By the time I became an assistant professor a gap had opened between faculty and administration; a disconnect between executive goals (rankings, enrolments, philanthropic legacies) and academic goals (collegiality, discovery, learning).

I wanted to bridge the gap, to make things better. I wanted (and still want) academia to be a place that welcomes and includes, that embraces academic values. So I set out to learn and experience what I could about the leadership necessary for that.

I got hired as a dean. The first female leader of the college, and by far the campus’ youngest. I put into practice what I had learned about leadership and what reflected my values: inclusion, collaboration, transparency, honesty. I also brought a commitment to creating change, a tendency to innovate, and a willingness to challenge the status quo. I thought that was what leadership was for, what leaders were supposed to do. And I also thought I’d have a path like other deans had — a five-year term followed by a 360° review to determine whether I’d be renewed. I thought I’d be allowed the same process, given the same opportunity, that others had. But I wasn’t. And I’m not really sure why. I hadn’t done anything wrong. In fact, by most standards I’d done a lot that was right. Fund raising, program creation and awards. Improvements in climate and morale. Change that benefitted the college in terms of teaching and learning. Initiatives and service that benefitted the campus. Things deans are supposed to do. Far from perfect, but certainly nothing that warranted abrupt dismissal without warning or explanation.

Blindside. It was the first time, but unfortunately not the only time. Each time eerily similar…I brought principles and values related to innovation, equity and inclusion, and a drive to make things better. I engaged, I listened, I acted; initiating new programs and plans, building relationships, creating change, and disrupting entrenched patterns. Feedback from faculty, staff and students was that I brought much needed change, and that I was a “breath of fresh air.” It (I) was wanted. Even years later I hear that people are still talking about the things we did, and projects that are still going strong. Indirectly, on the other hand, the feedback was quite clear that the changes I brought were not all welcomed by those above me. And the result was the same: no warning, no feedback, no performance review, no explanation. Just the exercise of superior positional power.

Did I “deserve” it? That question has certainly haunted me. But I don’t think I did. No one deserves that kind of treatment. I have also wondered why it happened, is there something wrong with me? Is it that I just don’t belong? I mean, I don’t play golf, I’m not overly interested in sports, I’m not a bully, and I’m not a crony. I stand up for what I believe to be right. Is that so wrong?

Or — what if there’s actually nothing wrong with me? What if it’s not me but the system? Or what if the only thing wrong with me is that I care too much and I keep trying? I keep getting back up. I keep fighting. Does that make me strange?

Maybe it does. My path has been unusual, agreed, but I suspect I am myself also unusual. Unusual in the number of times I’ve managed to rock the boat. And unusual, too, in my determination to keep at it despite the number of times being thrown overboard.

I didn’t intend the short term roles - it was just how things turned out. And to be honest, while it has been a challenge it has also brought a lot that is positive and good. I’m able to bring a perspective and breadth of experience that few others can. The challenges have given me more than they’ve taken.

So I don’t give up. There’s too much to do and academia is worth it. I believe in what we can  accomplish together. I also believe that seeking positional authority does not mean we’ve gone to “the dark side” and suddenly become one of “them.” Power is just power: what matters is how it’s used, and toward what end. Our choices when given positional power demonstrate our principles and reflect our character. How and why we do things matters as much or more than what we do. Process matters. People matter. I continue to believe this and I’ll continue to stand up for it.

So. I didn’t expect to have the career path I’ve had. But I also wouldn’t trade it for anything.